Nicole reveals miscarriage

Nicole Kidman reveals a side seldom seen - lonely on the night she won her Oscar and enigmatic when it comes to recounting her attempts to bear a child with Tom Cruise. "From the minute Tom and I were married, I wanted to have babies," Kidman tells Vanity Fair for its October issue. "And we lost a baby early on, so that was really traumatic. And that's when we would adopt [daughter] Bella." In the interview, Kidman is described as cryptic when she goes on to say, "There's a complicated background to that, given that I never speak much about many things. One day maybe that story will be told." Two years later, the Cruises adopted son Connor, now 12.

Asked how she felt when she won her 2003 Best Actress Oscar for The Hours, Kidman says, "It felt big. It felt lonely and big. You're in a hotel and you're like, okay well, I'm sitting in this big suite with an Oscar, and I still don't have a life. What is wrong with me? It hit home that I needed to get a life. Who do I jump on the bed with, and celebrate with, and order pancakes with?" She adds, "That was painful, not having that person to share it with. That's why it was more for my mom and dad and my kids. But even the kids were young enough that they were like, 'Oh, cool. Move on. Not interested.'"

It was not until a 2005 Australian promotional event in LA that she met country star - and Queensland native - Keith Urban. "I think we were two lonely people. I would probably say that two very lonely people managed to meet at a time when they could open themselves to each other," she says. "We were a mixture of frightened and brave." They married on June 25, 2006: four months later, he was in rehab. "It was just another twist in my life. Here it goes. Hold on, and off we go!" she says of Urban's treatment. "But it was very painful, deeply painful. We were in a very, very, very bad, painful place, and have managed to step through it, and I hope that gives some people some hope who may be in the same place. And that's enough said. Anything else is overindulgent and unnecessary right now. And I think it jinxes it, in a way, and that's why I don't go on about my enormous feelings for this man." Still, Kidman - who admits she's "yearning" to give birth, and that Urban "has been getting there slowly" - also says, "I've learned an enormous amount having a relationship with someone who is in recovery. I'm more willing to walk it with him. The two of us are very committed to our relationship."

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